The Destruction of Voldy and the Sixth Horcrux
by alsdssg
Summary: Like the title says. Not meant to be taken seriously. Just a random shot a comedy.


Voldy and the Sixth Horcrux's Demise

Disclaimer: Do you really think J.K. Rowling wrote this? I also don't own Jeff Foxworthy's comment about the bug. It belongs to him and Blue Collar Comedy. I also do not own "Hollaback Girl." I also don't own Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Guess what? I don't own Eragon or Chucky either. I'm starting to feel poor.

Harry walked into the dark, creepy chamber.

"Wow!" our hero said with a big, silly grin on his face. "This sure is a dark and creepy chamber."

"No, duh!" the peanut gallery yelled. "That's what the authoress just said."

"Shhh," a member of the aforementioned peanut gallery whispered, "We don't want him to know that this entire adventure is being recorded for the Wizard Wireless." Everyone immediately shushed up because we all know how our-not-so bright hero feels about the limelight.

At this point the Boy-Who-Lived, the Chosen One, the Ring-bearer…..Oh wait, wrong book.

Hem! Hem!

As I was saying, at this point the Boy-Who-Lived, the Chosen One, the not Ring-bearer (A/N: Is that the right bearer?) began to shriek like a little sissy because a bug had crawled up his leg.

"GEROFF ME! AHHHHHH! SOMEONE! ANYONE! THERE'S A BUG ON MY LEG! HELP!" A helpful member of the peanut gallery came out of the peanut gallery seats and obligingly brushed the bug off our little sissy of a hero's leg. When the helpful member of the peanut gallery went to kill the bug, however:

"Awww, don't kill him. He's just a little bug. He has to feed his little bug family," the dim-witted excuse for a hero said, looking quite affectionately at the little bug he had been so pants-wettingly frightened of just a few seconds ago. Ah, how the times change.

At this point a bushy-haired girl known to all proud and not-so-proud Harry Potter fans as Hermione Granger walked in followed closely by a tall, gangly red-headed boy known to the aforementioned fans as Sa-err Ron Weasley.

"Harry," Hermione said in a know-it-all tone of voice, "bugs have large families, not small families. You and the authoress should know these things. Of course, what hope is there for a 14-year old who confuses Harry Potter with Eragon? Honestly, Eragon is the Lord of the Rings take-off, not Harry Potter."

I then proceeded to drop an elephant on the bushy-haired muggle-born because she bashed one of my favorite books. I then removed said elephant when I realized that Eragon is a Lord of the Rings take-off. It's still a good book; though, it can't compare to Harry Potter.

"HEY!" Ron yelled up to me. "Shouldn't we be destroying the sixth Horcrux and Voldemort or something? This is The Destruction of the Sixth Horcrux and Voldy, ya know."

I then realized that Ron was right so I decided to stop talking about bugs and such and get to the point.

Ron and Hermione went to sit in the peanut gallery seats because I said they had to, and an ornate mirror popped out of nowhere.

"Ooh, what is it?" Harry wondered aloud stupidly.

"It's the Mirror of Erised," Hermione yelled from her seat in the peanut gallery.

"Wait, how do you know that?" Harry yelled back. "You weren't there when Ron and I found it."

"I don't know!" Hermione responded, realizing that she had no right to recognize the Mirror of Erised and sat back down. "And isn't the authoress supposed to be getting to the point?"

Once again the bushy-haired know-it-all witch was right, so I decided to get the point again. Harry's memory was immediately jogged, and he remembered that it was indeed the Mirror of Erised.

"I should look into the Mirror because I want to see my parents again," the not-so-intelligent 17-year old wizard declared stupidly. He looked the mirror and saw……Dun dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!a big pink teddy pair wearing a nametag that read:

Mr. Barry Buttons

Property of:

His evilness, Lord Voldemort

P.S. I'm the sixth Horcrux.

The teddy pair popped out of the mirror and landed in Harry's arms.

Harry looked at it stupidly. He was in a quandary: should he destroy this adorable teddy bear whose first name rhymed with his or not?

"Come on. You know you can't resist me. I'm too cute to destroy," the adorable Mr. Barry Buttons said in a Chucky-like voice.

"Bloody hell, a talking teddy bear!" Harry exclaimed.

"You stole my line, mate!" Ron yelled from his seat in the peanut gallery.

"Sorry, Ron!" the dumb line-stealer yelled back.

"GET TO THE POINT, AND DESTROY THE DAMN HORCRUX ALREADY!" Hermione yelled exasperatedly. The authoress was, once again, getting off topic. What a silly authoress!

"How?" Harry shouted back. Sheesh, it would have been smarter for me to leave Ron and Hermione with Harry. But its fun making them yell.

"Use your wand, Harry," Hermione yelled back, clearly fed up with her friend's stupidity. Why wasn't she the hero? CAUSE J.K. ROWLING SAID SO, YA STUPID WITCH! (Sorry.)

Harry raised his wand and assumed a very heroic pose. Unfortunately, a pigeon flew by and relieved itself on him. The story had to be halted because you just can't destroy Horcruxes and Voldemort covered in pigeon dung. Hermione was in tears at this point because I had gotten off topic a fourth time.

Harry then repeated the gesture while keeping an eye out for pigeons with full bladders. Unfortunately, he didn't keep a sharp enough eye out. Just kidding. Hermione might kill me if I got off topic again.

This time Harry managed to complete his strategy for destroying the sixth horcrux: he poked it with his wand.

"Hey, stop poking me, you idiot," the bear cried out. "I-I-I hahahaha I'm ticklish." The pink teddy bear continued to giggle until it blew up.

"That's a logical impossibility!" Hermione yelled to me. "You can't laugh until you explode!"

"Who's writing this fic, sister?" I yelled back.

Hermione assumed her pouting two-year old face.

Harry looked into the mirror again. He saw Voldemort behind him. Then he heard creepy music that went a little like this:

DUN DUN DUH DUNNNNNNNNNN! DUN DUN DUH DUNNNNNNNNNNNN! DUN DUN DUN DUN DUH DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

"Oh crap," Harry said, recognizing the creepy music as an evil villain's perfect theme song. "Voldemort's right behind me, isn't he?"

"DON'T SAY THAT NAME!" the peanut gallery yelled.

"HEM! HEM! I ASKED IF YOU-KNOW-WHO IS RIGHT BEHIND ME."

"Yeah, mate," Ron said, "he's right behind you."

"Blast!" Harry said. "This will not be pretty. If I ever look in this mirror again, I wonder what I will see."

Voldemort laughed menacingly. (Well, he actually sound a bit like a dying seal, but let's all pretend he sounded like a proper villain so we don't hurt his feeling. We all know what Voldy does to people who hurt his feelings. DUN DUN DUH DUN.)

Harry turned to face his mortal enemy and yelled, "THEME SONG!"

A randomn radio popped out of nowhere and began to play "Hollaback Girl."

Harry began to sing along with the music. When he got to the, "This s--- is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S" part, two people in banana costumes came out and started dancing. Then they ran away because Hermione thought they were distracting from the plot, and Harry stopped singing because Hermione was starting to scare him.

Harry and Voldemort began a climatic battle as the two theme songs played in the background. (The two theme songs playing in the background caused everyone to take their Excedrin Migrane pills because it's hard to listen to two theme songs playing at once.) Also, it wasn't really a climatic battle because the pressure of a battle that was supposed to be climatic and the combined terrors of an angry Hermione and Voldemort were too much for the poor dingbat/hero. He started spazzing. I mean really spazzing.

During this spaz attack, Harry accidentally turned Voldemort into an impressive medley of objects including a hot pink Dolce and Gabana dress; a cuckoo clock; a garbage bag; many other objects; and finally a hot dog. Harry was so hungry from this supposedly climatic battle that he ate the hot dog even though it was American food and made from everything that wasn't good enough for sausage. Thus, Voldemort was vanquished for good. And there was much rejoicing. (Say, "Yay," as unenthusiastically as possible.)

Harry then turned to look in the mirror like he said he would if he lived to do so. (See, Hermione, I can write. I used foreshadowing. OOH! In yo face.) He saw himself snogging Ginny quite enthusiastically.

"Perv!" Ginny yelled from the audience.

"Ginny Svit-kona," Harry began with tears in his eyes, "I cry for you pardon. I did not mean to cause you discomfort. Hey wait, why am I talking like this?"

"The authoress has mixed up her books again, I'm afraid. That's a line from Eldest, sequel to Eragon," Hermione said sadly coming down from the peanut gallery seating.

"Harry, you dingbat," Ginny yelled affectionately as she rushed out of the peanut gallery seating after Hermione, "I was just kidding." With that, she threw her arms around his neck and began to snog him wildly.

Ron jumped out of the peanut gallery seating and began to yell at Harry. Ginny got mad and repeated the speech she had made when Harry and Ron caught her snogging Dean. Ron responded to that speech the same way he had the first time: he grabbed Lavender and started snogging her wildly.

Hermione ran out of the stands and shouted dramatically, "Ron, stop snogging that ho! I love you more than she ever could."

Ron immediately pushed Lavender away and responded just as dramatically, "Hermione, I love you too. I was only dating Lavender to make you jealous." With that he began to snog Hermione wildly.

Rita Skeeter, who happened to be a member of the peanut gallery, started writing a story about all the snogging that was going down. Hermione noticed and stopped snogging Ron long enough to yell, "I sure like beetles! Don't you, Rita?"

Rita assumed her own pouting two-year old face. Everyone else looked at Hermione looked at Hermione like she was on crack or something. She ignored them and resumed snogging Ron.

And they all lived happily ever after except Voldemort because he's being digested, Mr. Barry Buttons because he blew up, Lavender because she got dumped for a bushy-haired know-it-all, and Rita because she couldn't write about all the snogging that was going down. She is still wearing her pouting two-year old face.

The end

Okay, I just wanna clear this up. I love Harry Potter to death. I just wrote this so that everyone could have a good laugh. If you don't like stupid comedy, go read something serious. Hermione is also one of my favorite characters. She was just easy to make fun of.


End file.
